I was a lover...Before this war

i want to call her so much tonight it hurts.

And i got close, i thought i would have her number written down somewhere but it would appear not and i deleted it a while ago.

It feels like trying to quit smoking, when some nights you just feel so weak and defeated and phsyically and mentally exhausted that you slip up and have a cigarette and even if you know that you'll regret it you simply have to smoke and it feels very good for a very short period of time and then you realise you've taken a step backwards and then feel worse for it.

i know i'll feel worse for it - but jesus i want to call so bad and talk and forget - if only for a short time. But i can't........

Have been feeling really good this last week but some nights it just creeps up and i'm fighting against this feeling when i should probably just let go, let it eat me up and start moving on - i still think theres part of me that won't. wish it would

crapness

its starting to feel properly like christmas now! Just got one essay to do and then i can go home! can't wait, havent wanted to be home so much since i left which was over about a year and a half ago. was supposed to finish essay today but after i got back from the library with a collection of irrelivant books, i couldnt DO ANYTHING!

Spoke to my mum today on the phone and we were talking about the breakup and i just said all this stuff that i was feeling, which i didnt really know before i said it and it was really difficult and horrible going through how i was feeling but afterwards it was kind of peaceful and i felt a little bit more sane! It comes in waves, i'll be fine and then something will click and in just a few seconds im taken over with grief and crapness but i suppose its natural and id rather be dealing with it to be honest.

Had a good chat with my flatmate and listened to a lot of bjork and feeling pretty relaxed. Just need to sleep now, get up, do work....go hooooome. Meet friends, eat food, drink excessively, be in the country side, eat more, drink more. Cant wait

...Went to camden, it was too busy but met some friends and went for lunch and a drink and had good conversation which was good and got me thinking about how i haven't really thought all that much about myself as a person recently and maybe this breakup is good in that respect. Lots of stuff that i want to do and places to go and it kinda gets a bit lost in trying to be the right person for someone else. I guess when the right person comes along i wont have to try all that much but when you care about someone for that long its hard not to think that you're doing something wrong....so that was real nice.

Going to see a really really good band with a really good friend tomorrow night which will be excellent. Only got this bastard essay hanging over my head for thursday - its amazingly dull but got to be done.

Hope i can sleep properly tonight. Had so much going on in my head that i can't really concentrate on one thing and my head is crammed with nothingness (i'm sure that makes no sense) and i cant sleep until i'm REALLY tired which has been at like 3 or 4 and is ruining my mornings!

Anyway, hope alls well in this strange virtual world

AHHHHHHH I MUST VENT ANGER/FRUSTRATION/DISPAIR

my ex girlfriend is trying to kill me.....with her evil words of heart wrenching coldness. I just cant believe its the same person sometimes..............

but i will do what every self-respecting guy does in this situation, go out, get drunk, hit on a friend, maybe a stranger, stumble home. wish me luck

today has been shite - woke up laaaate. Watched a documentary on john coltrane from bed, made the single best cup of tea ever, seriously...mind-blowing. Cleaned my room, realised i am the only one in the flat this weekend...which sucks, wrote this. I STILL havent been outside today!!Crap - going to take a bath, eat some food and go and meet a friend after she finishes work for a night in london i think.

Ive got this horrible feeling in my stomach from not eating enough and thinking about my ex-girlfriend too much! Bit of a lonely day but thats alright....ish.

Must eat

so this is it. this is a bit weird and very uncomfortable but something about it seems right. Ive never really understood blogs or why people would want to but recently i have thought about it alot and here i am. I often think about keeping a diary or writing stuff down but putting something out seems different and i suppose a bit scarier. I have no idea how anyone would ever find this to read anyway?! but the thought of a complete stranger on the other side of the world reading this is in a very odd way - comforting. Dont know how this will go but just wanted to get something down.