blegh, well christmas went by and new year and it was all alot of hastle and it feels like all the good parts of that holiday are really tainted by the stress and pressure that seems to increase each year. I would much prefer to give/receieve nothing and just spend time with people but jesus its nealrly february so i;ll let that one go.
london is such a fucking mess. I really love it. Living in the country and even a smaller city - i always had a love for art. But i consumed it, and looked at it in galleries and watched it on a screen or listened to it through headphones or whatever but being here is different. This city is so beautiful and the poetry and pictures and sounds are so much more alive its like sometimes just walking down the street is like being in a beautiful piece of art and thats so much more human than looking at it.and it made me realsie that life and perception and art are really and truely exactly the same thing seen with differnt preconceptions, which is daunting but inspiring. Its great but it cripples me somedays - the harsh realities and inequalities and madness in this world seem to radiate from this capital and somedays i just want to bury my head in the duvet and stop being part of it for a while. to some how transend it. Im going to research self-suficient(sp!) cultures i think, it fasinates me. Blah blah blah.
SHE has really messed me about, i;m afraid. There was an email, which went on about how she regretted how things ended and how she didnt know what she was losing and how she was sorry etc and i thought i had a grip on it but when i realised that i would take her back so quickly it really got to me. Like i'm not moving on, just giving up....blows. So we met for coffee and i dont know what i expected but i know it wasn't enough. And i thought about her for days and i couldnt sleep again and i think because i gave her what she asked for (meeting up) she remembered why she lost interest in the first place because i havent heard from her. I think she was feeling down about work and needed a lift so made sure i still would drop everything for her before dropping me again (this is melodramtic but also how it felt). Shes so young sometimes. Thats how children act, its disgusting.
Im 21 very very soon. I dont know how i thought things would be when i was 21 but i didnt expect this...ive decided to visit friends in spain in easter and go down to morocco as ive never been before and want to see - really really really cant wait. Seen some amazing music recently. A drummer that played for 40 minutes alone and created didnt sound like a self-indulgent drum solo but rather created beautiful and whole pieces of music that carried more than i thougt a solo drummer could, really incredible.
Hm, i really want people to read my ramblings. Its a strange and wonderful thing when someone replies to a post. I feel a little bit sad for saying so, but it is so amazing to think that someone, somewhere is reading THIS. HA! YOU! right now looking at your screen, and me writing this, connected in a strange and such abstract way. Wow. But i feel like because this is pretty longggg and pretty boring (to anyone that doesnt exist inside my head) that it will be discarded into the waste of internet-world and just float around with nowhere to sit and no-one to communicate with..........which is odd.
Ha, you know if you were to meet me tomorrow, you'd think i was a really 'normal' well adjusted person. Bloody hell, this life is such a sprawling mess and i think i love and hate it in equal messures. i could talk all night.........i wish there was someone here i felt i could talk all night to. sorry if this was a sad read, all this stuff kind of makes me feel human and a bit uplifted and hope theres someone that relates x
